I CAN MOONWALK!
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
