i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
