the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
