Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
