You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
How does it feel to date your dad?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
