Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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