Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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