I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
