Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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