i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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