he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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