my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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