Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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