So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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