It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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