When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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