I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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