So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
