He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
