I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
