Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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