just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
