so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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