At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
