Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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