I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
