we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
