Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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