we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
