I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
