.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
