Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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