Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
