I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
