3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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