I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
