My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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