I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
