The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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