Where did you get a picture of my penis
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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