New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize