I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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