I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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