Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
