Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize