he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
