1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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