there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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