I looked at my own cervix.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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