highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
