dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
