This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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