Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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