textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
