I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize