Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm bleeding and have questions
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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