textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
