The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
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