Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
