Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
