I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
