you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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