dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
