just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
