The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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