Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
the liver wants what the liver wants
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
