the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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